


Push Through The Feelings

by Kartt



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M, Panic Attacks, Transgender Alex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-27
Updated: 2017-02-27
Packaged: 2018-09-27 08:57:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9992627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kartt/pseuds/Kartt
Summary: Alex wakes up feeling terrible, but he doesn't want to cancel on John, so instead he pushes through what he's feeling and goes anywaay. What could go wrong?





	

When Alexander woke up he knew today was going to be terrible. 

His head was full of fog, his heart pounding, his skin feeling as though there was static underneath it. 

He checks his phone, seeing a text from his recent boyfriend, John. 

From: John <3  
Can't wait for tonight <3 reservation's at 6, see you then 

He checks the time, 4:30, he sighs and pulls off the covers and slides out of bed, refusing to look at himself in the mirror. 

He tugs his binder over his head, smoothing his hands down his chest taking a calming breath. He pulls on a deep green v neck and some jeans putting his hair up into a messy bun. "Fuck," he says to himself "fuck...come on Hamilton you can't cancel this date. Pull yourself together you pice of shit." 

To: John <3  
Me either! Meet @ the cafe at around 5?

He takes a deep breath before grabbing his wallet and walking out the door.

___________________________________________________

Alex walks into the coffee shop rubbing his eyes. He scans the shop, seeing that John isn't there yet.

"Hi! What can I get you?" The bubbly barista asks.

"Uh, a large mocha latte...five shots of espresso please?" He picks at his nails. 'Hopefully this'll help me focus' 

"Of course, and can I get a name?"

Alex blinks, not registering the question for a second "Oh, Alexander. Alex." The barista nods, writing 'Alex' in loopy scrawl.

Alex goes to sit at a table, pulling his phone out, seeing a text from John 

From: John<3  
Traffic, might be a little late <3

To: John<3  
No worries, drive safe <3

Alex rubs at his eyes sighing 'That gives me a few to snap the fuck out of it..' He perks up hearing his order called. 

He grabs his drink mumbling a quick thanks before sitting back down. He takes a few big gulps of the coffee.

By the time John walks through the door Alex has already finished his coffee, feeling the effects of the extra caffeine. His heart beating faster then it already was, his breath coming out quicker, he taps a quick pattern on the metal table, trying to calm himself.

John smiles when he sees Alex "Baby boy!" He rushes over smiling, pressing a quick kiss to his lips "You ready to go?"

Alex blinks, forcing a smile "Yeah, let's go." He takes John's hand following him out to the car, "Where are we going for dinner?"

John smiles, kissing his hand "It's a surprise."

Alex rests his head against the window, focusing on his breathing as he watches the buildings go by.

"Hey, you alright hon? You seem kinda quiet."

Alex squeezes his hand with a small smile "I'm fine..didn't get a lot of sleep, too excited for tonight." He laughs, it sounds strained to his ears.

John nods slowly "You sure you wanna go out tonight? We can stay in." 

Alex shakes his head 'He went through all this trouble to do this for you' He turns to look at John "I'm sure baby, I want to go out with you tonight." 

John smiles wide "Alright baby boy." 

___________________________________________________

John opens Alex's door once they reach the restaurant, "Shall we, babe?" He extends his hand for Alex to take.

Alex takes John's hand, trembling slightly, "We shall." He follows John into the restaurant, zoning everything out until he's led into a chair. He blinks, coming back to himself.

John gives him a concerned look, Alex waves him off, hand shaking slightly, "I'm fine, just zoning out a little." He sees John bite his lip and nod.

"Hello, my name is Kimberly and I'll be your server tonight. Can I get you both something to drink?"

John smiles "Could we get a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon, and two glasses of water?" 

Kimberly nods, writing it down "Of course, and I'll be back in a few minutes to take your orders." She walks back towards the kitchen.

Alex bites his lip, gripping his pants legs tightly trying to still the trembling. 'Stop being so fucking pathetic, tonight isn't about your stupid feelings! Put on a smile and push through it. You don't matter. Your feelings aren't important. It's fucking pathetic how much you hate yourself...how disgusting you are, do you really think John would ever really like you? Especially when you take off your shirt? You're fat. You're pathetic. You're not really a guy. You'll never be anything. You're just-"

"-lex? Alex!? Alexander!" He feels a hand on his shoulder shaking him.

"H-huh?" He feels the tears streaming down his face and the tremble in his hands has gotten worse.

John helps Alex out of the chair and to the door "Come on baby boy, we're going." He helps Alex into the car.

Alex tries to steady his breathing, finding it difficult to do with his binder. "I-I'm s-so-sorry. I ruined our d-date.." He lets out a strangled sob.

John leans over the console, pulling Alex into a hug "Hey hey shh breathe baby breathe. You didn't ruin anything baby boy." 

Alex buries his face into John's neck, gasping for air "I-I did! Y-you went through th-the trouble of set-setting this up and I ru-ruined it by be-being a pa-pathetic-"

"Shhh" John cuts him off, kissing his head "Shh you didn't ruin anything. You're not pathetic at all, you're amazing. Shhh, breathe. You need to breathe."

Alex tugs at his collar desperately "I c-can't!" He sobs 'Pathetic you can't even breathe right.' He feels John trying to pull off his shirt, 'Looks like he's going to find out how disgusting you are.' He tries pushing John away "No p-please..."

John gets his hands under Alex's shirt and starts pulling it off "Alex we need to take this off so you can breathe." When the shirt is completely off, he notices the binder, "Jesus Alex, no wonder you can't breathe! We need to get this off." He tugs it off. 

Alex takes a deep breath, letting out a sob. 

John pushes his seat as far back as it will go and pulls Alex into his lap, rubbing soothing circles on his back and whispering sweet nothings into his ear.

Alex's breathing finally calms, though the beating of his heart and the shaking of his hands refuses to slow. " 'M sorry...I lied to you..you probably don't want to see me anymore.."

John places a gentle hand on his cheek, tilting his head up. "Oh baby, shhh. Of course I want to keep seeing you. Why wouldn't I?"

Alex makes a strangled noise "M not a real guy-"

"Just because you're trans? That doesn't change the fact that you are a guy. You're such a handsome man. You're smart, and passionate, and funny, you're wonderful Alexander. And I'm not letting you go." He presses a sweet kiss to his lips.

Alex kisses back, whispering against his lips, "Thank you, thank you so much.."

John pulls back, kissing his nose, "You don't have to thank me for anything baby boy." He brushes a strand of hair behind Alex's ear with a soft smile. "Do you wanna go home baby?"

Alex tightens his grip on John "I...I don't want to be alone tonight.."

John kisses the side of his head "Of course, I won't leave you baby. Do you think you're ok to go back to your seat?" He hands Alex his discarded shirt to cover up.

Alex nods, pulling the shirt over his head, and climbing into his seat. He curls in on himself slightly, trying to cover himself.

John pulls his seat back up, takes Alex's hand and starts driving.

_________________________________________________

They soon reach Alex's apartment. Alex takes John's hand and rushes up the three flights up stairs to reach his door. He quickly unlocks the door and steps inside, pulling John along with him.

Alex stands awkwardly, shifting from foot to foot "Can I uh get you anything?" He picks at his nails.

John smiles sweetly "Go get comfortable babe, I can wait in here if you want." 

Alex bites his lip and takes John's hand, tugging him to the bedroom. He rummages through his drawers pulling out his longest pair of pajama pants and his baggiest shirt, handing them to John "Here, the bathroom is over there." He points in the direction of the bathroom before turning back to his drawers, pulling out a large sweatshirt and some baggy sweats. 

John smiles "Thank you." He goes into the bathroom to change into the borrowed clothes. He takes his hair tie out, combing through his curls with his fingers before going back into the room. He sees Alex on the bed, laptop already queued up with Netflix. 

Alex pats the spot next to him with a small smile. John smiles back climbing into bed, "So what are we watching?"

Alex pulls the movie up, hitting play. "Prince of Egypt." He leans into John's side, pulling the blanket around them. 

John smiles, kissing the top of his head "I love this movie." He watches as Alex sleepily mumbles the lyrics as his eyelids get heavier and heavier. By the time the song 'Through heavens eyes' came, he was fast asleep.

John maneuvers them both so they are laying comfortably, Alexander on John's chest. "Night baby boy." He kisses his forehead before drifting to sleep himself.

**Author's Note:**

> Note to self kiddos 5 shots of expresso + bad mental day = caffeine induced panic attack


End file.
